Self-help

People carry a lot of weight in their minds. Thoughts, prejudice, opinions, theories, philosophies, beliefs, morals, values, and experiences that make you who you are. As we grow older we change ideas and gain new ideas, unintentionally filling our minds with subconscious thoughts and opinions we don't know we have. Imagine painting on a massive canvas in the dark, you splash some blue in there, white, and red, then you thought you picked up the clean water to clean your brush but instead you dipped it in the old murky cup, and now without you knowing you have blue on sections that had yellow. Of course, you don't know what this canvas looks like as you are still just painting in the dark, occasionally you shine a light on some of the places only to find it's not what once was. You show this painting to people, they take out their flashlights and see a particular side of the painting, and some admire how creative it is, others judge from afar, and some don't give it the time of day.  You have a general idea of the painting, but you can never see it in full; and because you'll never see it the way others do, you should be proud that some people enjoy parts of your art.

When I read a book I always like to pay attention to the introduction explaining a little bit about the author so I can get an understanding of their experiences and where they're talking from, I'll do my best to keep this as concise and to the point as possible.

G'day g'day, I am JP, I am a 23-year-old Kiwi living in Australia. My mother was born in Bohol, Philippines and my father was born in Leicester, England. I was raised as an only child but I do have a cool half-sister that has always felt like my sister. I was a happy playful kid who loved skateboarding and video games. I experienced a bit of depression from 2015 to early 2016 due to some personal experiences but during that time I learned to play guitar and enjoyed it a lot and do believe it was a key factor in helping me get through that mentally tough period in my life.

 In early February 2020, my mindset changed as I experienced my first panic attack, and it sucked... big time. I still remember the day, sitting at home on the couch, when my mind felt like it had a ring of fire around it. I stood up and I could sense my whole body feeling anxious, I remember thinking of two choices "do I go for a quick drive or call my friend". My heart started pounding and I could feel another ring of fire around my brain. "Ok I will call my friend", my mind lit up for the third time and I couldn't even get air into my lungs. I remember going into my bedroom, closing all the curtains, closing my eyes, and putting my face into the pillow but it still felt so bright. My chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself as if a giant was squeezing me in their hands. I talk to my friend explaining what is going on but I don't think he understood the weight of the situation. I begin trying to throw up but it only makes me more anxious, so I think maybe I just need to breathe ok this is a panic attack I have read about this, 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel. 3 things you can hear... maybe? I was losing it. This hell lasted from 11 am to 4 pm. Afterward, I couldn't even eat without being anxious, I had to go to work the next day and I would get waves of anxiety having to manually breathe. 

Around 2 months after this, I started watching self-help videos by Jordan Shanks on YouTube and by 2021 I bought my first 2 books on the subject, 12 Rules for Life and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I read them both at the same time and finished them in mid-2021 (I am a slow reader). That was the first time I had finished a book since Diary of a Whimpy Kid: Dog Days, and it felt like I was starting to solidify some of my values and beliefs. I loved discussing ideas with others and sharing my own thoughts about them online, eventually integrating some idea's into the music I was creating, and now here I am writing to you. I hope to give you a perspective that might have been said by someone else you've read or listened to but maybe I explain it a bit differently that connects to you easier. A worry I have is that I am just regurgitating other people's work, and I kind of am, just in my way through my experiences. If this is your first time reading about self-help I hope I'm a good "layman" introduction, and if you've already read self-help I hope that I can give and strengthen some ideas, beliefs, and values you have.

Growing up I loved skateboarding, even though I never felt particularly great at it. I used to ride for hours and never really understood how to progress further than kickflipping and shredding around the park. In my mind, it was "just do" until I started hanging out with my friend Hayden more in 2018, who showed me how to progress further into this sport. I wish I could say I got great at it and became a pro skateboarder but this isn't that story. You see I also loved player-vs-player video games but I only ever played casual game modes, this was until I started playing Rainbow 6 Siege with Hayden and he said: "when you level up high enough so we can play ranked we will only play ranked".  I hated the idea of playing ranked because I didn't want to disappoint the people I was playing with or get a rank of "bronze 3" hanging over my head. When I explained this to Hayden he justified himself by saying "Playing casual games means nothing, win or lose it doesn't matter where  with ranked if you win it means something."

I never thought about gaming like that because I have been such a casual player for most games. Even with my most played game, League of Legends, before playing ranked I would wait until I was warmed up. Once I was all warmed up and got a couple of wins I would feel a lot more confident and then play ranked, nervously I would start the game, thinking about every action as if it's the last match I ever play. This overthinking would often cause me to lose the match or attach too much emotion to the game where I would actually get upset at the game. Rank meant too much to me back then, this is where I'm going to bring it back to the old saying  "You never lose you only learn". I'm sure you've never heard that before so I'll patten it now while I can.

That quote is crammed down people's throats every time anyone is afraid to do anything. It means more than you think. When you fail you don't get a lesson for one topic you get lessons for many, it's just that those lessons are hidden unless you make an active effort to search for the lessons and really understand all the angles it can be applied and focus your lens on positive realistic outcomes. Let's use an example, not just any example, my own personal failure, strap in. Back in grade 12, I was a boy searching for love in a hopeless place, dogshit hair, nervous to talk to the babes, and teen angst (as expected thanks). I used to watch Simple Pickup on Youtube and I thought their videos were crazy, if you're not familiar with Simple Pickup, they would go around various campuses and get girls' phone numbers. They weren't always smooth, and they didn't have to be, 100's of videos capturing their art of picking up girls, and 16-year-old me was impressed. They did a free course once talking about how they get into the mindset of talking to girls with the intention of getting their number, it's easier than you think, but does a number on you mentally at first. The big lesson is to get used to hearing no and get comfortable with the fact that you're not going to get the girl every time and that's ok. They then showed heaps of examples of them getting rejected, they aren't sex gods, they don't get into women's minds and control what they think, they give it a go, and if it doesn't go well, they reflect on what they could have done better and try again with someone else.  They go on to explain a good way to get into the groove faster is by talking to a pretty girl first to get the nerves out of the way. So, here I am, with all the knowledge of the last few lines, chilling out in the last class of the day, English. Ding ding motherfucker it is time to get out of here, we all leave the room and I think, damn Andrea is pretty you know what, fuck it, let's just get it over and done with. You see, you never want to plan these things cause then you overthink it too much and lose the match and it means too much, you just got to do it. "Hey Andrea I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date sometime", I ask as a solid 5 talking to an 8, damn that's like 3 points above my pay grade. "Um I'll think about it", she replies knowing it's a solid no. I finish school and walk back home, with all this anxiety rushing through me I'm thinking "fuck yes holy shit, that's it, I don't even mind if it's a no, I have done it, this is the start of a new mindset". Not those exact words, more like "holy shit cunt what the fuck lol jfc what are you doing bro you are crazy". Nonetheless, halfway home I get a message from Andrea's friend Whitney saying "Andrea isn't interested sorry". Hey babe, I know, but you got to give it a go to have a go. Now trust me, I know I'm speaking as if I am chilling all fine and dandy but I had waves of anxiety rushing through my body. From that experience, I did not learn only that Andrea doesn't want me, that's too face value. I learned that you should also probably talk to people instead of just asking them out without any previous conversation, ever. I also learned that my sociability bubble could be expanded, I didn't need to be afraid of getting rejected because I already have. I learned that I didn't have anything to offer besides how I looked, which in a game of "social monopoly" a 5 trying to score an 8 better hope they can pull out a bonus 3 points from somewhere, so I should start working on my persona, charisma, and charm, that could be a good place to start. However, as I mentioned before you need to understand all the angles it can be applied and focus your lens on positive realistic outcomes. Using this story as an example, what I mean by understanding all angles is that if I had started seeing the situation through the lens of "I got rejected therefore I can't be loved and women are to blame" then I would have seen the situation through the wrong lens because that's simply not true. I also cannot say "She couldn't handle how attractive I am" because that is also not true, and you can listen to people explaining stories of adversity and start to understand that they could be telling the story in a particular way that makes it better or worse than how it is, which in hand you need to be pulling yourself up and making that effort to understand your own stories. So when we try to find the lessons we have to think about every angle we are looking at and think about what lens we're seeing through. Because when you win you want it to mean you truly won; when you fail you want to truly learn.